Pooping. The eternal struggle. Until now.
For those of you that have had a lifetime of strenuous trips to the bathroom (you know who you are…), the struggle is all too real. Well, folks, I have some good news for a change. Yes! A way to take all those nights you spent curled into the fetal position waiting for your laxative of choice to kick in, all those days wondering if you wiped all the loose stool from your bum in an attempt (futile as it may be) to avoid the dreaded dingleberry.
I realize that this is a rather gross topic, but for people (like me), who’ve had a hard time going number two their whole life, know that this is, indeed, a painful problem. (Damn you people who have bowels that work like well-oiled machines!)
Before I share “the thing” that will make pooping a wonderful experience, I want to talk about some funny (maybe that’s not the right word) stories about my own pooping troubles in the past. Sadly, they don’t really involve dingleberries. I just wanted a good excuse to talk about poop sooner rather than “P” (The letter…gezz, get your minds outta the gutter, people).
So, let’s get started! I’ve had so many strange pooping experiences throughout my life. Not that most people would be proud of something like this, but I’m not like most people (oh, no…). However, there are far too many stories to cover them all in one go, so for now you only get one story (I know, I’m such a tease).
And, yes, I pooped today. I hope you did, too.
Like my lovely co-author, I too have just recently returned from Japan. We ate a lot of rice there, and I’m talking basically all three meals of the day. After two years of this, I got very, very backed up. It was like someone took one of those long carnival balloons, used to make animals and such, and blew it up inside my intestines. This required some dire intervention. And ex-lax didn’t even begin to cover it.
It was time to pull out the big guns. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about an enima.
So there I am, position assumed to deploy the enima. At this point, you’d think I’d be quite ecstatic about the fact that I was going to get cleared out. And you’d be right. But, as soon as I finished squeezing the enima liquid into my…bowels…I pulled the nozzle tip out and, much to my horror, poop water started spraying out of my bottom. Although I tried to hold it in, the pressure was too great!
Well, needless to say, the whole experience didn’t work out quite as well as I’d imagined.
Cleaning the damn bathroom after that was the worst part. (You don’t wanna hear that part of the story.)
So, onto the self-help part of this story. Shortly after this fiasco, I discovered the wonderful anti-inflammatory effects of aloe vera. Using a 1:2 ratio of aloe vera and honey (to make it not taste so dreadful) I created a concoction which keeps my poops smooth and long (like little brown snakes). Perhaps it’s not my aloe vera honey, maybe it’s my diet returning back to the states, maybe it’s my Squatty Potty™ (thanks Squatty Potty™), or it could be something entirely different (the bowels are a mysterious place, after all). But, I want to believe that this miraculous mixture is helping me more than any other thing. Maybe it can help you too? I certainly hope so.
Until next time, live long and poopsper.